Ashes to ashes..
Well, today, as somber as it was, had it's interesting moments - I arrived at 8am to the Imaging Center for my MRI and Cat Scans... I'm used to the drill now after doing it many times over the last four years.. I brought my suit with me to switch into when I was done.. I went in for the Cat Scan first..
It wasn't any big deal.. you lie flat, they raise you up into an open donut shape (I've been fasting for a few hours, so yes a DONUT :) ).. and then pass you in and out a few times to get various scans of your body.
As I finished up they asked me when my most recent blood work was done, as they had to have it on file so they could inject the contrast into my arm for the MRI.. I said I wasn't sure.. I was going to get new blood work in the next few days for my new Oncologist.. wait a second.. CHEMO BRAIN strikes again - you IDIOT! You were supposed to get the blood work BEFORE the scans! DRAT! Like I said, I've done this many times before - but for some, unexplained reason - this time it slipped my mind.
They couldn't do the MRI without a set of blood work results from the last 30 days.. the last one I'd done was 62 days out :( Not good enough. SO I said my goodbyes- rescheduled it for the next Saturday, and headed back to the dressing room to get all dolled up for the funeral. (After putting a reminder note to go get the blood work the next Thursday BEFORE the rescheduled MRI!)
As I walked back, there was a woman sitting on the dressing room couch (there are small rooms all around). I said hi, she did as well.. I was holding the two new bottles of contrast for my next MRI appointment (you drink the nasty mixture the night before and morning of the scan to help make your veins, etc more visible to the equipment) - I told her I'd just drank two of those for no reason.. she laughed and said yes, they're quite disgusting.. told her I was a four-year cancer survivor.. she looked sad, said congratulations and then "I hope to be a cancer survivor" - I told her she would be, and that I'd keep her in my prayers...But I remember being where she is now, and understood her trepidation. I then turned to my dressing room to get suited up for what was sure to be a sad day.
So, originally I wasn't even sure that I'd get TO the funeral - I knew the tests wouldn't take long, so I assumed traffic would be the worst part of it.. I actually got to my cousin Alan's house in Simi Valley about 10 minutes after Tricia and Sam - perfect timing.. We followed the limo with my Dad, Aunts, Cousins, etc. in it to the cemetery for the funeral.
We got there, and were ushered into the family room.. they made the announcement that they were going to do the identification process, and that any family members who wanted to say goodbye could come to the 'chapel' area for the opening of the casket. Much to my surprise (not the last time today, mind you) Sam said he wanted to go with me to say goodbye. (!) Gulp! I wasn't sure what to think.. but you know what, he was strong-willed, and I would certainly have regrets if I didn't let him, being his last chance to do so.. so I walked him into the other room, not quite knowing what I'd find there.
You have to understand, that growing up as a child I do not have any memory of funerals, as we weren't even allowed to go to them. I went on Sh'va calls as a child (lots of good food, lots of sad family wearing black are my memories of these times) on a number of occasions, visiting to pay respects, etc.. but I don't recall ever GOING to a funeral until my Aunt Gert passed away during college. So I KNOW that I never had any experience even CLOSE to what my son was about to go through.
We entered the area where the casket was, and Dad, Aunt Joanie, Aunt Ellene, the cousins (Cheryl and Alan - Ellene and Mort's grown children) were there along with the Rabbi and the lady from the funeral home. And now Sam and I holding hands. I kept him towards the back, away from everyone until the rest of the family had a chance to say their initial goodbyes. Then I left him in the back with Tricia, went up to say goodbye myself (again, not sure if I've ever experienced THAT before either, but I did then, and was glad to have) and then went back to get Sam for his turn. I sent him up to my Dad who was near the foot of the casket - he went up, held my Dad's hand, looked at Uncle Morty laying there, bowed his head sadly, waved, said 'Good Bye' and came back to me and Tricia for a hug... he didn't cry, but I could tell it got to him. I was so proud of him that moment to do such a 'Big Boy' thing on his own, of his OWN conviction.. amazing.
And I'll tell you this - my Aunt Joan was not at ALL happy with our choice to bring Sam to the funeral in the first place, and especially not to let him see Uncle Morty. But she and my Dad were raised in another time with different thoughts on children who should not be seen or heard in certain circumstances - and she let us know her displeasure. Which I respected her opinion, but he's still my son, and we as parents made our own decision.
The service was nice - it was just family, and a handful of close friends. The Rabbi screwed up the family name a few times (in his defense, the lady from the funeral home was said to have written it down as "Tittle".. not the first time we'd heard that one, believe me!) and mentioned Carl, my Uncle, instead of my Dad's name... but Cousin Alan fixed that when he got up to speak about his Dad.
Some truly heartfelt things were said, and to be honest what made me cry wasn't again the fact of what was said, but in my mind the CONTEXT it was being said.. this could be MY eulogy that I was listening to... he was a good man, a hard worker, took care of his family, loved to paint, etc.. Yeah - copy, paste, extend.. could be me.. a little spooky.. But then when Cousin Cheryl got up to speak about her Dad.. well, it was really sad.. Talking about how he wasn't always emotionally there for her, but in the end it was like a switch was flipped, and he told her how much he loved her, held her hand, etc. She said it was the best gift he'd ever given her. MAN was that sad - and it made me then and there continue my resolve to NOT be the guy who worked hard, but the guy who showed his emotions, even the bad ones.. but to wait until the last possible moment.. seems too late to me.
Then it was time to go to the grave site. I was honored with the task of being one of the pallbearers with my Dad. It was an honor to be there for my Uncle, and whilst I can honestly say it was not on my list of things to do on my bucket list, I was and am proud to have been there for my Uncle's last trip to his final resting place.
Once we took the short drive to the site, everyone got out and we moved the casket into position, where it was lowered amongst prayers, etc. Then the Jewish (perhaps other religions as well?) tradition of shoveling dirt onto the casket (3 shovel-fulls we were told) took place, and any of the mourners present could come to do this honor. The Rabbi described it as a selfless act - one where we did not expect any reciprocation for the act being performed. And I thought that was pretty cool. And once again, my son wanted to take part - he came up with me to the side of the grave, helped me hold the shovel, as we placed three upside-down* shovelfuls of dirt onto my Uncle's casket. (*Upside-down is to represent using the shovel in a way it's not meant to be used - to show our displeasure in having to perform the act at that time, that place.) Another proud Dad moment - what a champ.
Sam was starting to get tired - the ceremony wrapped up and we headed back to Cousin Alan's house for food, and to spend time with the family, then headed home after a long day. Dad would come home later to sleep, but wanted to stay longer to comfort the family.
Quite the full day, and some important lessons learned reflecting in on my own life's actions - it's never too late to do the things you want to do, say the things you want to say, or be the person you want to be - remember that.
Thanks for reading along and sharing the experience.
-Pittle out.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Day 20
Dad arrived in town this morning for Uncle Mort's funeral tomorrow. He and Aunt Joan are heading out to La Mirada to visit with my brother Kevin and his family for a bit before heading up to Tarzana to see my Aunt Ellene and the cousins, then to my house to spend the night.
This will probably be a short post today, lots going on - but I did want to reflect again on my Uncle Morty for a moment - to let you know a little more of the back-story.
See, my Dad is the baby of the family - he had an older brother Carl who passed away when I was still living in Florida, then Uncle Mort, Aunt Joan, and him. So not only has he lost his last of two brothers, but I lost my last surviving Uncle on my Dad's side..
Uncle Morty was a hard worker all his life, and truly took care of his family.. but he had a creative side too.. and this was the basis of our conversations those last few years... he took up painting later in his life and was quite good at it, and we talked about various styles/ideas and such on the occasional phone call. But apparently expressing himself through paint helped him communicate in some ways where he had no other outlet.
You need to understand (and, yes - my Mom and Dad read this Blog) - the Pittle men have never been very expressive emotionally... we try, don't get me wrong - I think my Dad and I have an awesome, loving relationship - and we hug and kiss, and aren't afraid to show our love for each other.. Same with my Brother. Not true of all Pittle men, and I think that my Dad has grown emotionally a lot as he's grown older - expressing himself more now than even when we were younger.
Uncle Morty was a very quiet man, who might not have always told you, but always cared. Maybe because he didn't know how, didn't feel comfortable doing so, didn't like to? Not sure of the reason - but he was a good, creative man who cared about his family - and that's what I'll remember most about him, and the thing I'll miss the most as well.
Remember, this blog is about living as a better version of myself - physically, mentally and EMOTIONALLY. I try hard every day, some more than others, to express myself.. and as I've gotten older I've found it easier. I hug and kiss my son like my Dad does me - and while he's in town for the funeral, I plan on doing it even more to show him my support, and selfishly for myself as well, because I miss him. I've been told much of my adult life that I'm too 'sensitive' - well I like the way I am - because I CARE.
NEVER FORGET: Tell those you love them EVERYDAY. However you can - because we never know how long our stay is here on Earth - and if someone means something to you, don't wait. You may never GET another chance. I hope if I teach you anything - it's THAT.
And believe me, when you get a Second Chance, you come away seeing things differently.
It's those life lessons that I'm still trying to learn everyday as I take this journey called Life.
That's it for today - tomorrow, the funeral and the cancer check-up - I'm sure there's more to come. Stay tuned.
-Pittle out.
This will probably be a short post today, lots going on - but I did want to reflect again on my Uncle Morty for a moment - to let you know a little more of the back-story.
See, my Dad is the baby of the family - he had an older brother Carl who passed away when I was still living in Florida, then Uncle Mort, Aunt Joan, and him. So not only has he lost his last of two brothers, but I lost my last surviving Uncle on my Dad's side..
Uncle Morty was a hard worker all his life, and truly took care of his family.. but he had a creative side too.. and this was the basis of our conversations those last few years... he took up painting later in his life and was quite good at it, and we talked about various styles/ideas and such on the occasional phone call. But apparently expressing himself through paint helped him communicate in some ways where he had no other outlet.
You need to understand (and, yes - my Mom and Dad read this Blog) - the Pittle men have never been very expressive emotionally... we try, don't get me wrong - I think my Dad and I have an awesome, loving relationship - and we hug and kiss, and aren't afraid to show our love for each other.. Same with my Brother. Not true of all Pittle men, and I think that my Dad has grown emotionally a lot as he's grown older - expressing himself more now than even when we were younger.
Uncle Morty was a very quiet man, who might not have always told you, but always cared. Maybe because he didn't know how, didn't feel comfortable doing so, didn't like to? Not sure of the reason - but he was a good, creative man who cared about his family - and that's what I'll remember most about him, and the thing I'll miss the most as well.
Remember, this blog is about living as a better version of myself - physically, mentally and EMOTIONALLY. I try hard every day, some more than others, to express myself.. and as I've gotten older I've found it easier. I hug and kiss my son like my Dad does me - and while he's in town for the funeral, I plan on doing it even more to show him my support, and selfishly for myself as well, because I miss him. I've been told much of my adult life that I'm too 'sensitive' - well I like the way I am - because I CARE.
NEVER FORGET: Tell those you love them EVERYDAY. However you can - because we never know how long our stay is here on Earth - and if someone means something to you, don't wait. You may never GET another chance. I hope if I teach you anything - it's THAT.
And believe me, when you get a Second Chance, you come away seeing things differently.
It's those life lessons that I'm still trying to learn everyday as I take this journey called Life.
That's it for today - tomorrow, the funeral and the cancer check-up - I'm sure there's more to come. Stay tuned.
-Pittle out.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Day 19
Death Comes Calling
This morning my Uncle Morty died. My Father's brother lived here in Southern California, not too far away from where I live. He wasn't in great health the past few years, but his passing was quite unexpected, and again, hit me closer to the mark then many other things that have transpired in the past year or so.
It wasn't his death, per se, that hit me hardest, though it has made me quite sad. It was my OWN continued lack of action in many areas of my life that made me stop and take pause.
You see, I had last seen Uncle Morty and his wife at my 40th Birthday party. They lived nearby but I never made time to visit them, or the Cousins, etc. Oh, you can say (and I have) that "the phone works both ways" etc.. but in the end the blame is mine for not seeing them more often, and now, I only get one more chance to see my Uncle, and he doesn't get to see me. So yes, it makes me think.
When my Mom and Dad come into town from Florida to visit, as they do a few times a year, they always find time to visit - because family is IMPORTANT. I know that of course, but as you've been reading elsewhere, I get in my own way a lot.. on many different levels - and it's something I'm trying to better in myself.
So as it works out, my son Sam, in the end spent more time with my Uncle near the end than I did.. and while I am selfishly sad for my loss, I am happy that he got to know him better. When I told Sam what had happened, he sat on the couch quietly next to me, laid his head on my shoulder, and very quietly reflected on the situation. When I told him Poppy (my Dad) was coming in from Florida for the funeral, along with my Aunt Joanie from New York, he said - "I want to go to the funeral too, and say Good Bye"... huh? He just volunteered to go to a funeral instead of camp? He's 7 and a half.. but apparently has a very old soul (as I've thought many times before)
So Tricia and I discussed it, and told him of course he could go and pay his respects.. and so he will - on Friday morning. I'm very proud of him for making a grown-up decision on his own.
Friday morning is also my scheduled annual check-up (MRI and Cat Scan) for my cancer follow-up. So I'm bringing my suit to the Imaging center then getting all dolled up and am going to head out to the funeral and catch up with Sam and Tricia and the rest of our family there.
Once again, brings me back to that article from my very first post - about the 5 things most people regret on their death-beds... morbid perhaps, but it continues to make me think.
More to come. Rest In Peace, Uncle Mort - you will be missed.
-Pittle out.
This morning my Uncle Morty died. My Father's brother lived here in Southern California, not too far away from where I live. He wasn't in great health the past few years, but his passing was quite unexpected, and again, hit me closer to the mark then many other things that have transpired in the past year or so.
It wasn't his death, per se, that hit me hardest, though it has made me quite sad. It was my OWN continued lack of action in many areas of my life that made me stop and take pause.
You see, I had last seen Uncle Morty and his wife at my 40th Birthday party. They lived nearby but I never made time to visit them, or the Cousins, etc. Oh, you can say (and I have) that "the phone works both ways" etc.. but in the end the blame is mine for not seeing them more often, and now, I only get one more chance to see my Uncle, and he doesn't get to see me. So yes, it makes me think.
When my Mom and Dad come into town from Florida to visit, as they do a few times a year, they always find time to visit - because family is IMPORTANT. I know that of course, but as you've been reading elsewhere, I get in my own way a lot.. on many different levels - and it's something I'm trying to better in myself.
So as it works out, my son Sam, in the end spent more time with my Uncle near the end than I did.. and while I am selfishly sad for my loss, I am happy that he got to know him better. When I told Sam what had happened, he sat on the couch quietly next to me, laid his head on my shoulder, and very quietly reflected on the situation. When I told him Poppy (my Dad) was coming in from Florida for the funeral, along with my Aunt Joanie from New York, he said - "I want to go to the funeral too, and say Good Bye"... huh? He just volunteered to go to a funeral instead of camp? He's 7 and a half.. but apparently has a very old soul (as I've thought many times before)
So Tricia and I discussed it, and told him of course he could go and pay his respects.. and so he will - on Friday morning. I'm very proud of him for making a grown-up decision on his own.
Friday morning is also my scheduled annual check-up (MRI and Cat Scan) for my cancer follow-up. So I'm bringing my suit to the Imaging center then getting all dolled up and am going to head out to the funeral and catch up with Sam and Tricia and the rest of our family there.
Once again, brings me back to that article from my very first post - about the 5 things most people regret on their death-beds... morbid perhaps, but it continues to make me think.
More to come. Rest In Peace, Uncle Mort - you will be missed.
-Pittle out.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Days 14-17
It's - you guessed it - CATCH UP TIME!
You know, as they say "Life's what happens when you're making other plans..." So, life got in the way of my blog for a few days, but time to get back on track... so here we go:
Day 14 (Friday, July 1st)
A C25K day! Woo hoo! - This is the last run of Week 2 (Day 3!)
Day 15 (Saturday, July 2nd)
Today was a family day - Tricia started out the day at work, so Sam and I went to go catch the new Transformers movie in 3D... oh, and for FREE I might add! If you haven't checked out the site LivingSocial.com, you should - we bought a Fandango deal.. and if two other people sign up for the deal using the code, you get it for free! So we saw $30 (!) of 3D movie for free... 2.5 hours worth! I am amazed that he was able to sit through it (longest movie he's ever seen in the theater!) but I think the giant popcorn kept him busy :)
After Tricia got home we headed out on a adventure, rather than sitting home - we drove around an area of Westlake Village we never explored before.. drove around the mountains a bit and checked out some horse farms.. then settled on driving out to the Channel Islands for the afternoon... a fun time... it's nice to jump in the car once in a while without a destination... we don't do it often enough, being creatures of habit - but we're going to try to go off 'the beaten path' a little more often - in all areas of our lives.
Finished up the day with some amazing Crab Cakes at Joe's Crab Shack... yum!
Day 16 (Sunday, July 3rd)
No exercise, per se - and a quiet day - happy it's the weekend! Enjoying some family time - talk more tomorrow!
Day 17 (Monday, July 4th - Happy Independence Day!)
Aaaannnd.. ANOTHER C25K day is here - Week 3, Day 1! We had a pretty quiet Fourth, which was actually nice - we'f bought Sam a bunch of 'poppers' which we all went out in the street and proceeded to pop... he had a 'blast' - (pun intended!) and said it was the best 4th of July ever! LOL.. well, at least so far!
Our run went well - it's now walk for 1.5, run for 1.5 min, walk for 3, run for 3, walk for 1.5, run for 3, etc. .. so we're going for longer periods now... and amazingly, although it's painful at times, we can both do it for the most part.. Tricia's still having some knee issues, but she's power-walking when she can't run.. so proud of her for going out with me and doing it!
More to come!
-Pittle out.
You know, as they say "Life's what happens when you're making other plans..." So, life got in the way of my blog for a few days, but time to get back on track... so here we go:
Day 14 (Friday, July 1st)
A C25K day! Woo hoo! - This is the last run of Week 2 (Day 3!)
Day 15 (Saturday, July 2nd)
Today was a family day - Tricia started out the day at work, so Sam and I went to go catch the new Transformers movie in 3D... oh, and for FREE I might add! If you haven't checked out the site LivingSocial.com, you should - we bought a Fandango deal.. and if two other people sign up for the deal using the code, you get it for free! So we saw $30 (!) of 3D movie for free... 2.5 hours worth! I am amazed that he was able to sit through it (longest movie he's ever seen in the theater!) but I think the giant popcorn kept him busy :)
After Tricia got home we headed out on a adventure, rather than sitting home - we drove around an area of Westlake Village we never explored before.. drove around the mountains a bit and checked out some horse farms.. then settled on driving out to the Channel Islands for the afternoon... a fun time... it's nice to jump in the car once in a while without a destination... we don't do it often enough, being creatures of habit - but we're going to try to go off 'the beaten path' a little more often - in all areas of our lives.
Finished up the day with some amazing Crab Cakes at Joe's Crab Shack... yum!
Day 16 (Sunday, July 3rd)
No exercise, per se - and a quiet day - happy it's the weekend! Enjoying some family time - talk more tomorrow!
Day 17 (Monday, July 4th - Happy Independence Day!)
Aaaannnd.. ANOTHER C25K day is here - Week 3, Day 1! We had a pretty quiet Fourth, which was actually nice - we'f bought Sam a bunch of 'poppers' which we all went out in the street and proceeded to pop... he had a 'blast' - (pun intended!) and said it was the best 4th of July ever! LOL.. well, at least so far!
Our run went well - it's now walk for 1.5, run for 1.5 min, walk for 3, run for 3, walk for 1.5, run for 3, etc. .. so we're going for longer periods now... and amazingly, although it's painful at times, we can both do it for the most part.. Tricia's still having some knee issues, but she's power-walking when she can't run.. so proud of her for going out with me and doing it!
More to come!
-Pittle out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)